“I am a 50-something swinger and sport fuck enthusiast. I actively seek out NSA sexual connections, which sometimes includes married men, either with or without the knowledge of their partners. I have sworn off of love in order to avoid further pain. In my own long term marriage, I was ignored and betrayed by a cheating husband. Recently, some changes in my personal life have triggered that hurt and betrayal…and yet I am also involved in some ways in the affairs of others….what does this say about me?”
~ Closed Off To Love
There is an awful lot of things at work in your situation(s). Firstly, it occurs to me that there are three roles in an affair situation.
1) The Spouse Who Doesn’t Know.
2) The Cheating Spouse.
3) The Third Party -who is peripheral to the marriage (or the “mistress” in this case).
You have already experienced one of those roles.
SO hurt were you by your experience that you have deliberately chosen a new role. Of course, you don’t want to be the cheating spouse so you have “sworn off love”, and proactively sought out that third role. This puts you in a much more comfortable spot if you have convinced yourself that those dynamics are the only options available to you. From your current place of hurt, those may be the only options you see. A recent change has stirred up past wounds and you are finally confronted with the fact that you are also complicit in the very dynamics that hurt you, as ‘the wife of a cheater’. This leaves you two clear options.
1) Denounce your own actions and remove yourself on principle. Do not participate in anything that makes you question your worth, lovability or character. Ever.
2) Apply some of the same forgiveness you have bestowed on the married men you play with…on your ex husband. Understand that he is them. They are him. You have separated monogamy from your life for a reason. Understand that if you’d both had that freedom many years ago, the outcome may not have been so painful. And may not have been any different. But the conversation would’ve been.
You have an exciting new life ahead. I am a firm believer in the power of the shake! (For all you I Ching nerds. Fist bump!) In the midst of all this questioning and chaos, a new reality is already emerging. Face your wounds, then put on your naughty panties and remember WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE!
I also know that sometimes love happens despite us. You have elected to carry a shield for your heart. Don’t be surprised if someone penetrates it when you aren’t looking.
Go get ‘em girl.