I’m a girl who can take a pounding. I love it. In fact, it is hard to find a partner who can withstand the kind of pounding I can take. Long and hard. Not necessarily a rough, vicious attack-on-the-vagina pounding, but a determined, rhythmic, that’s-a-good-kitty pounding. I like to know you mean business. So do I. Having experienced the type of stamina and energy that is required to fuck someone long and hard, I have utter appreciation for those who can pull it off. I have to date been disappointed by my inability to go as long and far as I wanted, simply because I was too tired. My last strapon adventure took a turn that included my partners’ partner holding her over me by her armpits so I could gently fuck her from below. Two hours in, a soft gentle fuck from below was all I could muster. Not for lack of wanting, either.
I participate in some “online communities” that involve both swingers and kinksters. From time to time the question pops up in the forums “Do you like it rough? Are you in to rough sex?” When I read this I think immediately of discipline and striking and torn vaginas. This, to me, would define rough sex. Now I realize I may sit outside of the centre of the circle on the sexual preference spectrum, but that, to me, is rough. Others will then chime in and declare “oh yes, the rougher the better! Spank me hard! Choke me!” And I find myself thinking…”Wait a minute. Spanking and choking are rough sex? Isn’t spanking just kind of, normal?” Well, for me it is. But therein lies the ridiculous concept behind “forum conversation”. We attempt to compare and gauge our similarities when we all start with completely different points of reference. Now certainly choking, or “breathplay” also known as erotic asphyxiation, is something that I would only reserve for my most trusted playmates. There has to be a deep level of trust to let someone put their hands around my throat, and likewise, I would never do this to someone I hadn’t establish deep and open communication with – too much can go wrong. While I have enjoyed this type of play, I will not be offering it up to random interest.
The rough sex question surfaces and the quasi-kinky go wild. Declarations of spankings and handcuffs and general thumping of bodies titillates all. I realize I may be the least kinky person I know, and I sure didn’t see that coming. I can’t believe how much wilder than me this general populous of swingers really is! And then I’m reading through a profile one day and I see it:
Turn offs: Rough sex. I want to be fucked slowly and delicately. I do not want to be jumped on like a piece of meat”.
Hmmmm. This was confusing. I do want to be jumped on like a piece of meat some days. Jump on me. Jump harder. Take me like you can’t wait another second.
I have, in the past, enjoyed “cuddle sex” as it was affectionately known to me and my partner. It was lovely, romantic, spectacular and devine. It was special because it wasn’t always. And it was the connection of our hearts that made it tender. When it comes to play, like, “meet me at the sex club ’cause it’s going down on Friday” play, I’m not showing up to cuddle. I’m coming for the goods. And it strikes me upon reflection that if those naughty people knew my normal, it may be shocking also. A gentle slap to the ass, especially when entered from behind (sigh) seems like the most normal, even anticipated of acts. To another, this can be perceived as a violation, or extreme, or even rough…
I realize also that some of those rough sex enthusiasts might cringe to see me in full blown Domme Bitch Demand mode begging to be fucked harder and faster until someone breaks the furniture. It matters not that our kinks match or even mingle. It matters that we are all free to find them – and that all parties are truly consensual and informed. With lots of conversation and practice I can happily say I have found several playmates, both couples and singles, who get my longing and keep up like champs. I could look any one of them in the eye and say “I’ll take it rough today” and know it would all work out. My comfort zone is flexible at times. Supple even. I learn a lot about myself in those places.
Whether you like a pounding, spanking or you give a divarific noshing, remember the following:
Consensus is like Communism, it’s a great idea but human nature prevents it from working.
If you aren’t already familiar with “YKINMK”, it’s a good time to brush up. This acronym stands for Your Kink Is Not My Kink and there are several variations to make additions for But Your Kink Is Ok (YKINMKBYKIO). In essence, to each their own, Definition that is. We shan’t try to correct or show disdain for the kinks and quirks of others. Rather, you can establish your boundaries and learn to tell when someone else’s kink comes in to contact with that boundary. Retreat without judgment is an art form. Most of us fail at times.
Talk is sweet. I totally understand the DTF crowd. I have even tried, and enjoyed the DTF experience. I often see in the Swingerlympian profiles this disdain for “long endless conversation, and texting”. Bless your hearts, I’ve no doubt you love what you do. But there is something glorious to be gained by talking in depth about your ideas, desires, experiences, and fantasies. It sometimes creates an opportunity to go deeper with playmates. IMO. If you want to avoid the potentially frightening or awkward experience of conflicting ideas about rough sex or spanking intensity, this is one great way to avoid it. Talk, think, discuss, imagine. Preparation leads to anticipation.
When creating an online marketing package (ie. an internet profile intended to attract like-minded playmates) keep in mind when spelling out your interests that the reader may have none of your experience OR they may have significantly MORE experience, and your definitions could be resting on opposites sides of the Grand Canyon. I strongly suggest you use these little boxes of opportunity to portray your character and sense of humour rather than your list of bedroom tricks – some will assume it is invitation, some will interpet that list differently. Decisions to perform certain acts particularly involving impact play and bondage, should never be left to guesswork. Sell who you are. Explain what you like. Avoid confusion. This ensures consent is valid!
If a partner says they want to be pounded hard, don’t start with your hardest thrust. Surpise them a little, but don’t pull out the Ace just yet. You’ll need that energy for a proper sesh and there’s nothing like a filthy, frothy crescendo of pounding. Mmmmmmm.
Send me your thoughts below. What constitutes rough? Are there limits on who you do this with? Do you reserve this for your most special lovers? Or are you game for slaps and pinches right from the intro?