So When Do We Tell The Kids? Dear Minx tackles a tricky question.

Dear Minx

Dear Minx tackles a question about disclosure from some very brave parents.

Dear Minx:

We have always been open about things with our children and encouraged open and honest communication. Our kids are young adults now and we are free to do what we wish with our time, but we find we are always lying about where we’re going and it’s nerve-wracking. We are wondering if and when to tell your mostly-adult children that you are a swinger? Is there ever a reason to tell? Are we crazy to consider this?

-Frisky Parents, Nosy Kids

Dear Frisky,

There is no simple, cookie cutter answer to this question. It will always depend on the parents (and the foundation for understanding that they have laid for their children) and it will also depend on the children. Would your children want to know? Maybe not. I’m a huge fan of “being out” for those who have the ability to do so. How much easier our lives get when we eliminate the need to lie regularly about the parts of it that bring us joy and excitement. Having said that, there is heightened excitement around secrets for some people and that can play in as well. Some things lose excitement when they just become a part of everyday reality. There could also be consequences that include the loss of respect in the eyes of your children, who still live in a mostly monogamous-minded society, and they are entitled to their own reactions.

If, as you say “you’ve always been open” with your children, and you find that pursuing your own desires as an adult is forcing you to change your regular way of being to  what you consider “a lesser way”, and your outlook would be improved by coming clean – then I say, come clean. Keep in mind that kids don’t want to hear about their parents having sex any more than parents want to hear about their kids having sex, and you are the parent – so the information should be as limited as is required to fulfill the duty of disclosure. If your children have been sending a message, quiet or loud, that they do not want to know about “these kinds of things” then I believe you ought to support their wishes rather than impose your truth until such time as they are READY to hear it.

Your kids may surprise you. They may say “we had a feeling” or “this doesn’t surprise us”, OR they may even react very judgmentally, particularly if they feel this contradicts the values you instilled, either intentionally or unintentionally, while raising them. You may need to be prepared to answer questions and offer reassurances, and they may need time to process this and see that despite this new information – nothing has changed with Mom and Dad.

If you can do all that, and leave the communication open while eliminating the need for lies around your lifestyle, then I believe you are officially “living the dream”. I think the idea to remember here is “do no harm” but have faith that if you have set an example as a loving couple you may also be able to set an example as a loving non-monogamous couple. Imagine if you could just say “Hedonism was a blast, no cameras due to nudity” rather than “somehow while travelling the ruins of Mexico we did not manage to get a single picture” because a) you weren’t there and b) you weren’t there.

Best of luck in whatever you decide – the world needs more honesty *for those who are ready to receive it*.

~Minx

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Dear Minx – “Cheaters” and the Swing Community

masquerade duo

09/12/2015

Dear Minx,

I am a single female who enjoys sex but doesn’t happen to feel like she wants or needs a committed, intimate relationship. I have dated lots of men, and women, and we will have a great time for awhile….but eventually I feel the need to end it because I don’t feel a long term commitment there, or I just suddenly feel like it all happened too quickly. My best friend says I have an “attachment issue” and I run away from everyone. I say, if they aren’t a perfect match – and I’m very happy with casual sex and casual dating- then why hang around? I have so many friends who feel stuck in their marriages or relationships because they couldn’t say anything. I feel like the only person I know who actually “dates” people. Isn’t that what dating is for? To see if you want to keep seeing each other? Am I a “serial runner”  because I don’t want to settle down?

~Unicorn Spirit, Bachelor Heart

Dear Unicorn Spirit,

I believe you have an affliction that we happen to share.

It is possible you are addicted to “NRE”.

New Relationship Energy can be a drug. It’s intoxicating. It is the current that sweeps us up into someone else’s life at lightning speed. The mania that pulls two strangers together like magnets, always longing for proximity. Now both the solution and the conundrum are contained in that very first word. NEW. NRE is a phenomenon that includes enjoyable physiological reactions to the presence of the person to whom you are bonded. Their presence, or even the memory of, can trigger a change in the heart rate, breath rate, cause sweaty palms, butterflies in the tummy, and I dare say a tingling in parts not mentioned. And we, NRE addicts, we eat that shit up. But NRE only lasts as long as the relationship is new. So. The real question is….

Are you abandoning your mates as soon as you’ve devoured all the hot, gooey NRE and then moved on to the next? Do you leave a trail of broken hearts behind you?

OR

Are you a “serial dater” who identifies quickly when the dynamic isn’t meant for deeper relations? Something you are more apt to pick up on once the relationship settles into whatever it will become.

I happen to identify as the second (I know, convenient, right?) I admittedly swear off of commitment because I don’t really desire it. Ditto for monogamy. I figure when something that is meant to be different comes along, I will know it when I see it. So far, this fits better than anything ever has.  Having said that, I have also stayed in relationships longer than I should have for fear of being the “bad guy” or abandoner.

Because I am aware of my love affair with NRE, I have to be very aware of the feelings of my partners and I am very, very upfront about this. I often advise people “Fuck me. Don’t date me. Trust me.” I am quite frank about the fact I am not looking for a life partner, nor comfortable making any big changes in my life to suit a relationship. If you can find a way to express to your partners exactly where you stand on long term relationships, then I do not believe you should feel obligated to deny yourself the pleasure of short term relationships. Tread carefully though, many a person has awakened to find this an utterly lonely existence.

Be gentle with hearts, especially your own.

Be honest with your intentions.

Do not engage in deceit or manipulation.

Respect the dynamic of your partner’s other relationships.

Full consent, full disclosure.

That’s the guide I use to keep myself in line. Honesty will get you everywhere.

Now get out there and enjoy those hot orgasms and first kisses – not necessarily in that order….

Minx xo

Dear Minx – Addicted to NRE or running from love?

masquerade duo

09/2015

Dear Minx,

“I am a 50-something swinger and sport fuck enthusiast. I actively seek out NSA sexual connections, which sometimes includes married men, either with or without the knowledge of their partners. I have sworn off of love in order to avoid further pain. In my own long term marriage, I was ignored and betrayed by a cheating husband. Recently, some changes in my personal life have triggered that hurt and betrayal…and yet I am also involved in some ways in the affairs of others….what does this say about me?”

~ Closed Off To Love

Dear Closed,

There is an awful lot of things at work in your situation(s). Firstly, it occurs to me that there are three roles in an affair situation.

1) The Spouse Who Doesn’t Know.

2) The Cheating Spouse.

3) The Third Party -who is peripheral to the marriage (or the “mistress” in this case).

You have already experienced one of those roles.

SO hurt were you by your experience that you have deliberately chosen a new role. Of course, you don’t want to be the cheating spouse so you have “sworn off love”, and proactively sought out that third role. This puts you in a much more comfortable spot if you have convinced yourself that those dynamics are the only options available to you. From your current place of hurt, those may be the only options you see. A recent change has stirred up past wounds and you are finally confronted with the fact that you are also complicit in the very dynamics that hurt you, as ‘the wife of a cheater’. This leaves you two clear options.

1) Denounce your own actions and remove yourself on principle. Do not participate in anything that makes you question your worth, lovability or character. Ever.

2) Apply some of the same forgiveness you have bestowed on the married men you play with…on your ex husband. Understand that he is them. They are him. You have separated monogamy from your life for a reason. Understand that if you’d both had that freedom many years ago, the outcome may not have been so painful. And may not have been any different. But the conversation would’ve been.

You have an exciting new life ahead. I am a firm believer in the power of the shake! (For all you I Ching nerds. Fist bump!) In the midst of all this questioning and chaos, a new reality is already emerging. Face your wounds, then put on your naughty panties and remember WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE!

I also know that sometimes love happens despite us. You have elected to carry a shield for your heart. Don’t be surprised if someone penetrates it when you aren’t looking.

Go get ‘em girl.

Minx xo